Frankie Fish and the Sonic Suitcase

  FOR MY THREE CHAMPIONS,

  LIAM, AIDAN & OSCAR. FIND WHAT

  YOU TRULY LOVE AND BUILD

  YOUR LIFE AROUND IT.

  CONTENTS

  TITLE PAGE

  A SHORT BIT BEFORE WE MEET FRANKIE FISH

  CHAPTER 1 WHEN GOOD PRANKS TURN BAD. REALLY, EXTREMELY, VERY BAD.

  CHAPTER 2 OLD-PEOPLE JAIL

  CHAPTER 3 A MOMENT OF MADNESS IN A MAD, MAD PLACE

  CHAPTER 4 THE SHED OF SECRETS

  CHAPTER 5 THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF NANNA FISH

  CHAPTER 6 THE WORST COMPUTER IN THE WORLD

  CHAPTER 7 SOME OTHER TIME

  CHAPTER 8 THE SONIC SUITCASE

  CHAPTER 9 THE OTHER GRANDAD (IS NO BETTER THAN THIS GRANDAD)

  CHAPTER 10 FISHY BUSINESS

  CHAPTER 11 BUSTED

  CHAPTER 12 UNCLE RODDY

  CHAPTER 13 A CHANGE OF WEATHER = A CHANGE OF DESTINY

  CHAPTER 14 TRICKY OLD FOOL

  CHAPTER 15 WORST ICE-CREAM EVER

  CHAPTER 16 THE SAME MISTAKE, THE SAME MISTAKE

  CHAPTER 17 THE BIG RACE

  CHAPTER 18 TIME QUICKLY TICKS AWAY

  CHAPTER 19 THE SHORT, SAD LIFE OF A BATTERY

  CHAPTER 20 TWO PER CENT

  CHAPTER 21 THE NOT-SO-AMAZING FREIDO

  CHAPTER 22 LET’S GET EEL

  CHAPTER 23 CLARISSA’S REVENGE

  CHAPTER 24 TIME TO GO HOME

  CHAPTER 25 HOME

  CHAPTER 26 AN OFFER NOT EVEN DREW BIRD COULD RESIST

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  One morning, an old man with a hook for a hand parks his beloved blue car outside a bakery.

  He shuffles inside to buy a loaf of bread, and then shuffles out again a few minutes later with a bag swinging gently off his hook. Huffing and puffing along the way, the old man stops to yell at a pigeon on the bonnet of his car. The pigeon makes a deposit from its feathery bottom, which makes the old man yell even more.

  Grumbling about the mess, the old man opens the car door and climbs in. He puts on his seatbelt and checks his rear-view mirror. Satisfied, he starts the engine.

  Then he drives his beloved blue car forward, SMASHING through the window of the bakery.

  Nobody is hurt. The baker is stunned. The car is totalled.

  The old man, now parked inside his local bakery under bricks and breads and tarts, is Alfie Fish, and this single event may change the history of the world.

  Why? I hear you ask.

  To find out, you’ll have to read on . . .

  Francis Fish was EXCITED. Make that SUPER EXCITED. He couldn’t have been more excited than if his hands were made of chocolate.

  For one thing, it was the final day of school for the term, which meant that he was about to have two glorious weeks away from St Monica’s Primary.

  Even better, in just one sleep he would be joining his best friend Drew Bird, and the entire Bird family, at their beach house for the holidays. That meant he wouldn’t have to spend the holidays as he usually did, helping out at the family business, Fish Pest Control. It also meant he didn’t have to see his sister Lou, professional saint and Mum and Dad’s absolute favourite (an accusation strenuously denied by Ron and Tina Fish) for fourteen whole days.

  WIN + WIN = DOUBLE WIN!

  Francis was over the moon. He hadn’t been on many holidays, because his parents were generally too busy to take them. And he’d never been on one with a best friend, on account of never having had a best friend before. But that had all changed when Drew Bird arrived at school last term.

  After Miss Merryweather had introduced Drew to the class on his first day, she said (in a decision she would soon come to regret), ‘You can sit in the spare seat next to Francis Fish.’

  Drew walked over and plonked down next to Francis, grinning broadly. ‘Hiya, Frankie Fish,’ he said. ‘I’m Drew. Drew Bird!’

  For a moment, the world stopped. It was as if Francis had stepped into a sudden ray of warm sunlight. Because this is the thing: no-one had ever called Francis ‘Frankie’ before, let alone given him a nickname that wasn’t making fun of his fishy surname – and he immediately loved it. Francis felt a grin spread across his face.

  Right there and then, Francis – no, Frankie Fish would have swum to China and back for Drew Bird.

  The two boys quickly discovered that they shared a lot more in common than animal-based surnames. They both loved watching Doctor Who, they were both world-class spitters, and they were both awesome at pranks.

  Well, Frankie was pretty good at pranks. He’d once covered Saint Lou’s pet turtle in Post-It Notes, and on her birthday he put fake dog poo on her pillow. Classic stuff. But Drew Bird was a next-level prank KING. The kind of king who could set off a fart bomb in the staffroom during lunchtime and walk away without a scratch – or a stench, for that matter. In the short time he’d known Drew, Frankie’s pranking skills had come along in leaps and bounds.

  Which leads us to another reason why Frankie was excited. Today, on the last day of term, he and Drew were going to play their biggest ever prank together – and it was going to be epic.

  Their target was the end-of-term assembly, which usually had all the excitement of a snail at a zebra crossing and went just as slowly. Painfully. Slowly.

  But today’s assembly would NOT be like that. Nope. No way. Because at today’s assembly, Frankie and Drew had a little surprise planned. While Principal Dawson was boring everyone into a coma (definitely medically possible), Frankie and Drew were going to release a banner behind his head that read:

  Gold. Absolute. Gold.

  It was good clean fun and the culmination of many hours’ work. Drew was such a prank perfectionist that he kept altering the details. Every time Frankie thought the prank was set, Drew would turn up at school with an excited gleam in his eye and say, ‘There’s been a change of plans, Frankie! I’ve thought of something even better.’

  It was like Drew was a professional prankster, while for Frankie it was a hobby. In fact, Drew Bird had already mapped out his future career as a YouTube Viral Prankster, which was at odds with his parents’ plan for him to become a chiropractor. (Gary Bird had a history of chronic neck pain.)

  It was only yesterday that they’d finally settled on the exact wording for the banner. They had planned to paint it together during lunch but they ran out of time, so in the end Drew took the paper and paint home to do it there. Frankie’s job was to organise the ropes that would unfurl the sign.

  As he got ready for school, Frankie daydreamed about all the fun and adventures he and Drew would have together on their holiday. Playing cricket on the sand, camping on the foreshore and, of course, the pranks they would dream up. Frankie even had a brand-new boogie board from his birthday that he was dying to try out. PLUS Gary Bird had promised that they’d go to an island where you could actually ride dolphins.

  Just one more sleep, thought Frankie happily as he hid the ropes in the bottom of his school bag. And then I’ll go on the adventure of a lifetime!

  At least, that had been the plan … until Frankie and Drew’s epic prank threw everything out the window.

  After handing over the ropes to Drew at the front gate, Frankie didn’t see his best friend again all morning. It was only when he was filing into the end-of-term assembly, right behind class prefect Lisa Chadwick (whose perfect ponytail kept swinging into his eye), that Drew appeared.

  ‘Hey,’ whispered Drew, pulling Frankie by the arm. ‘Come with me.’

  ‘Francis Fish and Drew Bird! Where are you two going?’ snapped Miss Merryweather.

  Miss Merryweather was very crotchet
y at the moment. The rumour in the schoolyard said this was because she was busy organising her wedding to her boyfriend Mr Hedge (AKA the Hedgehog), the sports teacher. She’d planned the menu. She’d selected her wedding dress. She’d even chosen the cake toppers. The only thing she hadn’t been able to arrange was a proposal from the Hedgehog.

  Drew rebounded quicker than LeBron James. ‘Mr Bourke asked us to help with the audiovisual equipment,’ he said.

  He said it so quickly and so confidently that Miss Merryweather believed him, even though this went against everything she knew about Drew Bird, which was: Never trust Drew Bird.

  As everyone else found their seats, Frankie followed Drew around the side of the stage and up the back stairs, both of them giggling like hyenas on laughing gas. A hush came over the assembly hall as Principal Dawson took the microphone, kicking things off with a warning to the Mosley triplets not to do whatever it was they were doing.

  Frankie and Drew got into their pre-arranged positions. Frankie took hold of the rope that ran all the way up to the ceiling. The other end was tied in a knot around a large steel knob on the ground, which was usually used to secure the background scenery for the school play. Rehearsals for next year’s performance of the new school musical (Dewey: Decimated, written by the overzealous librarian Miss Davis) had yet to begin. Drew would be on the other side of the stage with an identical rope-knot-knob set-up.

  ‘Remember, we have to let go of the ropes together when I say NOW,’ Drew whispered.

  Frankie grinned and gave him a solid thumbs up (although technically it was only one thumb).

  Drew winked at Frankie before tiptoeing away, like a thief in the night, to the other side of the curtains. Frankie Fish could barely hide his excitement. If he’d been a real fish, his tail would have been flapping with unbridled joy.

  The assembly started and it was the snooze-fest Frankie had predicted. Mr Dawson started by thanking the school groundskeeper, Mr Harris, for his years of service, and wishing him luck for his retirement.

  Frankie, for one, was not sorry to see the groundskeeper go. Mr Harris had never forgiven him and Drew for the time they swapped the labels on the tubs of fertiliser and weed-killer in the storage shed just before the national ‘Best School Grounds’ competition was judged. Mr Harris had sworn loudly that he’d get them back one day.

  ‘Sorry, Old Man Harris, but your time is up,’ murmured Frankie, as Mr Dawson handed the groundskeeper a watch and ushered him off stage.

  Mr Dawson then spent two minutes telling off the Mosley triplets for still doing what he’d told them to stop doing, and gave everyone a lecture on appropriate assembly behaviour.

  Frankie could barely contain himself, yet General Bird still didn’t give the signal. The assembly was going on for so long that Frankie started to worry they might miss out on school holidays.

  Frankie craned his neck to catch Drew’s eye. Drew signalled him to HOLD.

  The Hedgehog was on stage now, going on about how proud he was of the hockey team for fighting out the year despite not winning a single game. Then he cleared his throat and hitched up his tracksuit pants.

  ‘It’s time to make a special end-of-term announcement,’ he said, and paused for dramatic effect. He was about to announce the purchase of new hurdles and he wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

  Just at that moment, with a smile as wide as a soccer goal without a goalie, Frankie saw Drew give the thumbs-up.

  ‘Now!’ he hissed.

  With a rush of excitement Frankie Fish promptly yanked the rope. The knot slithered undone and the rope whizzed up to the ceiling. And as the banner fell Frankie saw Drew mouthing something else at him. He couldn’t be completely sure, but it looked like he was saying: ‘There’s been a change of plans ...’

  Frankie felt uneasy. Uh-oh … what has Drew done?

  Frankie watched, frozen to the spot, as the enormous banner unfurled right behind the Hedgehog, who was enjoying the suspense.

  Just as he was about to launch into the hurdle news, there was a scream from the audience.

  It was a loud and screechy scream, almost a squeal. Like a mouse was loose in the auditorium. A mouse with a machete.

  From his position, Frankie could not see what was on the banner. He looked across the stage to see Drew Bird grinning from ear to ear as he made the signal for ‘Let’s bail!’ before disappearing out of view.

  But Frankie wanted to know what was going on. There was another squeal, which sounded like it came from the same person, or the same machete-wielding rodent. Frankie, confused and increasingly nervous, poked his head around the curtain as the whispers in the auditorium became louder.

  Everyone was staring at Miss Merryweather, who was running up the stage stairs, her hair falling loose from its bun, her face pink with joy. The girls cheered as Miss Merryweather flung herself upon a clearly baffled Hedgehog, and planted the biggest kiss of all time right on his lips. The boys laughed and made vomit gestures to each other, but they were clearly loving the mayhem of the moment.

  Even the teachers were smiling and clapping, which made Frankie relax a little. Maybe he and Drew were in the clear. After all, anything that makes people cheer and laugh and smile has to be a good thing. Doesn’t it?

  Frankie slipped down from the stage and into the assembly hall, and the banner behind the Hedgehog slowly came into view. As soon as Frankie saw it, his brain sent an urgent message to his mouth.

  This is bad, very bad …

  Miss Merryweather was still smooching a bewildered Hedgehog, but she took a break and leaned over to grab the microphone.

  ‘I DO!!!’ she yelled, with all the volume and passion of a teenager at a pop concert.

  The Hedgehog could not have been more confused if you’d asked him to wash his hair with a banana. Then he finally looked up behind him and got the shock of his life.

  In big bright letters, the banner read:

  That was NOT the message Frankie and Drew had agreed upon.

  Where was the HAPPY? Where was the HOLIDAYS? And where was the SUCKERS???!!!

  Miss Merryweather was jumping up and down like she’d just won an all-expenses-paid trip around the world. The Hedgehog looked like he’d just found out he had to pay for it.

  A beaming Principal Dawson took the microphone and said, ‘Well, what a great start to the holidays. Have a great last day of term, everyone!’ As everyone showered the happy/confused couple with congratulations, Frankie realised he had to get away from the crime scene as quickly as possible. Maybe no-one had seen him pull that rope. Maybe if he laid low for the rest of the day, until the final bell rang …

  But just as he was slipping out the hall doors, a bony hand gripped his shoulder. Frankie turned to see Old Man Harris holding up an ancient video camera.

  ‘I’ve had this set up and trained on the stage all morning to film my farewell,’ he said triumphantly. ‘And guess what else I’ve caught on tape? Two no-good pranksters! Fish Guts, you and your bird-brained buddy are in so much trouble.’

  ‘I’m sorry, OK,’ said Frankie from the back seat, as the Fish Pest Control mini-van pulled away from the school. ‘I said I was sorry!’

  ‘Well, you’ll go on being sorry,’ roared Ron Fish from the front, ‘because you are grounded for LIFE! ’

  ‘Life?’ said Frankie. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘No TV, no iPad, and no computer either,’ his dad continued bellowing. ‘And if you think you’re going to the beach with the Birds tomorrow, forget it! In fact, you’re never going to see that Bird boy ever again!’

  ‘NEVER?’ Frankie bellowed back.

  ‘NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!’ Ron Fish bellowed ever louder, as if he were the world-champion bellower reclaiming his championship. ‘I’ve already spoken with Gary Bird, and he agrees. Your friendship is DONE.’

  In an instant, Frankie’s daydreams shattered. His first-ever holiday with a friend. Trying out his brand-new boogie board. Riding the dolphins. Kaput, kaput, kaput. He
hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Drew about what happened. Even when they’d been side-by-side in Mr Dawson’s office, Drew had only been able to mutter a faint ‘sorry, Frankie’ before everyone started yelling at them.

  ‘THAT’S NOT FAIR!’ he cried.

  Ron Fish pulled the car over to the side of the road, slammed on the brakes and turned around. ‘Is it FAIR that your mother and I were DRAGGED away from work because our SON reduced a teacher to TEARS? Is it fair that Miss Merryweather was humiliated in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL? Is THAT fair, Francis? IS IT?’

  Frankie crossed his arms and slumped down in his seat. OK, fine, it wasn’t fair.

  ‘Francis, you’re only making it worse for yourself,’ said a calm voice from the seat next to him.

  That voice belonged to Saint Lou. She was two years older than Frankie, and super-smart, super-popular and super-well-behaved. This made Frankie resent her a little, and by a little I mean a lot. Especially right now.

  ‘Don’t you have anything to say in your defence?’ demanded his mum Tina, also known as Tuna.

  Yes, thought Frankie, sulkily. It wasn’t my idea to write that message.

  But he couldn’t say that. He and Drew had a pranksters’ code: they didn’t rat each other out. Not ever. When Drew was blamed for the itching powder Frankie had sprinkled through every open car window in the staff carpark, he said nothing – even when he was put on yard duty for two weeks. And now, Frankie was honour-bound to do the same, no matter what the consequences.

  At that moment, Frankie wished harder than he’d ever wished for ANYTHING that his entire family would disappear so he could move in with the Birds and be happy forever.

  ‘Well, Francis?!’ his dad thundered again.

  ‘He’s probably in a state of shock after today,’ Lou said. ‘Maybe he’s got PTSD or something. You know, like when soldiers come home from war.’

  ‘If anyone has PS3 it’s you, Lou,’ Frankie snapped, not realising his sister was trying to help.

  ‘Yeah, well he better get out of that state,’ shouted their dad as he pulled back onto the road, ‘before he gets to Grandad and Nanna’s house!’